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I always act like I got nothing to lose. Acting like I have something to prove. If only you knew these thoughts in my head. They always try to convince me I’m better of dead. This thing that beats in my chest. Can never overcome the games in my head. I’ve become just like my father was. And his father was. And made me the person I’ve learned to hate. I can’t get away from this family tree. So for the first time I’ll let you see what I see. Come inside my head with me. I’ll take you through every room in this house. Show you everything I have dealt with since a child. You see everything from then to now. But don’t be surprised to find out who I am now. I was a kid full of happiness . Now I’ve turned into this fucking mess I am. Now I’ve turned into this fucking mess I am. You use to beat me till I screamed and I cried. Thanks to you I’ll always have this on my mind. But don’t think for a moment that I’ll let this slide. Don’t think that I’ll let this slide. You were suppose to be the one to protect me. But instead were the first to hurt me. If you thought it was an issue when the door was closed. You should see me when the door is open.
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2. |
Where I Lay My Head
02:32
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I’ll take you through this room where once lived my innocence. A room where I thought no one would ever come in. Yet it happened twice and had no one to lean on to. These thoughts are written on the walls all around me. It would be easier to forget it if it wasn’t the room where I slept. This memory is engraved so deep into my head. The only way I can take these memories out. Is by burning this room down. Locking it up and throwing away the keys. Leaving it gone and forgotten from my memory. But if only it was that easy. I would have done it years ago. I dwell deeply in these thoughts because they made me be me. I was a child who simply wanted to understand. And even now as I’m older I can’t leave this in the past. I wake up in sweats from this room where I sleep. Where once lived my innocence taken by someone who, who I knew.
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3. |
Walking Away
02:14
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As I enter this room, I feel the weight on my back. From all those empty promises of you coming back. I’ve heard it so many times that I lost all faith. Yet I still blame myself and I’m full of regrets. I know that I should have called. And begged for you to come back home. But you left with this man and you left me all alone. Had to find a way to make it on my own. I wondered these streets with nowhere to go. Had to try and find a place to feel at home. Yet while I was alone and struggling. You were out there living your best of dreams. You come back two years later and try to explain. The reasons why you left as if it was okay. You don’t understand the damage this did. If you of all people can walk away. Then what should I ever expect. The actions that you took. Will forever live in me. I will push everyone away that I can see. And time after time that I’ve locked this door. It always ends up wide open. Almost as if my conscience won't let it be. So I just drown myself in this memory.
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Down this hall is a room I don’t let anybody in. I’m emotionally scared to let someone find the entrance. See the real me and decide to walk away. You’ll have a chance to open other doors. But this door sealed tight
I’m locked in here with no intentions of coming out. So when you decide to walk away and leave me. I’ll have no one else to blame but myself. I chose to shut the world out not because it's solving it all. I chose to do this because I felt it was safer for myself. But I’ve come to realize I’m not the only thing living in here. I’ve had fear, anger, rejection and abandonment very near. It seems like those things that made me build this home. Are the exact same things that won't leave me alone. I have the choice to open up the door and try to escape. Or let fear take over again. I've had fear, anger, rejection, very near.
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